Funny Quotes

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.