Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
Author
Erma Bombeck
68 quotations
About Erma Bombeck
Erma Louise Bombeck was an American humorist who achieved great popularity for her newspaper humor column describing suburban home life, syndicated from 1965 to 1996. Fifteen books of her humor have been published; most became bestsellers.
Read on Wikipedia → Find books by Erma BombeckNever go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinn…
Children make your life important.
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinn…
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
God created man, but I could do better.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
Never order food in excess of your body weight.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.