Erma Bombeck Quotes

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinn…

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinn…

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one Helen Keller is the other.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

About Erma Bombeck