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QUOTES BY Phyllis Diller

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'Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.'


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'Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.'


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'Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.'


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'My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.'


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'Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.'


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'It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.'


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'Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.'


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'My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.'


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'Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?'


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'Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.'


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'The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.'


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'It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.'


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'Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.'


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'Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.'


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'A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.'


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'There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.'


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'Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.'


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'A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.'


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'We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.'


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'The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.'


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'Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.'


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'Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.'


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'The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.'


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'Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.'


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'What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.'


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'My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.'

 

 

 

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